Every time i give in to my desires as a gay male i leave feeling like i have betrayed my faith. I never have been able to unwrap my head around the belief that being with another man is a sin. Its crazy because, no matter how hard ive tried, i couldnt get over it. Perhaps i wasnt trying hard enough? Perhaps I wasnt meant to be with anyone? Maybe Im supposed to be the career enthralled entrepeneur that somehow changes the world, and having an intimate, loving relationship could somehow get in the way of that.
But is that fair? No. i was mildly upset when i thought about it. Ive watched my friends express their interests in other people (of the opposite sex) and experience relationships. They also got the full support of the adults that were there to mentor and guide us. They would then go on to have relationships that would soon bud into marriages, and could talk of creating families all with the blessing of the community.
It just seemed really fucked up to me that I was not meant to experience that. That because of my orientation, love was not a possibility for me. Could i be with a woman, possibly. Ive waited for the right female to come along since 2005… seven years later shes not here. Once again, maybe im not trying hard enough.
I’m just tired of beating myself up about it. I know God loves me. that’s not what i’m bent out of shape about. Its how my life gives back to him that’s getting me.
